Adam now gets laid. Eve conceives the first of many male births in the bible. For some reason, god doesn’t think the female births are that important to mention.
They also have another child. (Another son, surprisingly enough). The firstborn is called Cain and the second son is called Abel.
Cain brings an offering to god; fruit of the ground. But Abel brings slaughtered animals and fat offerings to god. Guess which one god preferred? Yup, the latter. Cain is pissed off with this, and I don’t blame him. God simply says that Cain didn’t do well enough and must try harder. He doesn’t go onto explain why he prefers dead animals so much, but there you go.
Angry with this state of affairs, Cain kills Abel, (as you do when your brother gives a better gift than you. How many Christmases were ruined in this family?!)
God goes through one of his senile phases again and can’t seem to find what he’s looking for. “Where is Abel?” god asks Cain. Cain sarcastically replies “am I my brother’s keeper??” Brilliant.
God realises that Abel has been murdered and curses Cain, saying that he is to get out of god’s sight and be a fugitive. This is too much for Cain to bear and he’s afraid that if anyone finds him they will kill him. Curious, since there are only two other people on the earth at the moment, Adam and Eve.
God says that he’ll mark Cain as a warning so that no one else is to harm him, again, even though there is no one else on the earth at the moment! The warning goes along the lines of “if you kill Cain, you will be punished sevenfold.” So if you kill Cain, god is going to kill you seven times. Hmmm.
This also contradicts the law that god is going to invent later which says that the penalty for murder is death.
Cain goes into the land of Nod (presumably where GDI can’t find him) and has sex with his wife. Hang on! Where did his wife come from?!
Anyway, one of Cain’s descendants is a man called Lamech. It’s worth pointing out that if you killed Cain you’d have been killed yourself (seven times that is, for good measure). But if anyone killed Lamech, they would apparently be avenged seventy and sevenfold. That is A LOT of being dead!
Around this time, Adam and Eve get their grove on again and out pops (another) son. Eve names him
Sith Seth, and says that he replaces Abel whom was murdered. So, there is no mention of any daughters being born (how did people procreate back then?), which means that women like Cain’s wife popped out of thin air; or there were daughters born but being female of course god doesn’t deem them worthy of a mention in his book. Either way it seems incest is ok to god as long as it’s for procreation.
Seth also has a son (thanks to an unnamed female who comes from nowhere) and calls his name Enos. (Gesundheit!)
Eventually a man called Enoch arrives on the scene. He and god are pals it seems, until one day god takes him. Where? To Heaven. Which is either the vault of water in the sky, or a gay club. You decide.
A few years down the line a man called Noah comes along.
In this time mankind has begun to fill the known earth and woman were looking pretty good too. The sons of God noticed how hot women were and wanted them for themselves. Unfortunately, god doesn’t explain what he means by his “sons”. Does he mean other humans, in which case, so what? Or does he mean angels? In which case why would angels want to have sex with women, and why now after all this time? Did god create angels with a sexual desire? That’s pretty cruel when you consider they had no natural way to possibly satisfy that desire. (To them, the earth is one giant lap-dancing club, and god makes them sit on their hands the whole time.)
As a result the earth had giants in it. The earth back then was very much like Middle-earth it seems.
Whatever the case, god’s pissed off. He says that man will now only live 120 years. (Even though after this point humans still go on to have much longer life spans).
He notices that man is wicked, and all man’s thoughts are evil all the time (even though he made man in the first place). God felt regret at making man and wished he wouldn’t have done it. It’s surprising that he didn’t actually see this coming though. After all, isn’t he supposed to know everything??
God likes Noah though because he’s just and perfect, even though the wise King Solomon in years to come will declare that no man has ever been perfect.
Fed up with how evil mankind is, god decides to destroy every living thing on the planet. Slight overkill, if you ask me. What had the animals and insects done wrong?? It’s rather fascinating to note that god’s solution to evil and violence is mass genocide.
God tells Noah to make a huge boat. That’s right: Noah and his extended family are to make a huge sea-worthy vessel from the materials around their habitat. Now, the largest wooden ships ever built were over 300 feet long, and required metal strapping for support, and even then they were dodgy at best. However, Noah builds a boat that’s 450 feet long, out of wood.
Not quite happy with giving Noah a starring role in the first ever Mission: Impossible, he also tells him that the boat must be filled with at least two of every living creature on the earth. So Noah and his family trekked all over the earth to collect over a million types of animal, and millions and millions of insects. They also had to collect enough food for every creature as well. How Noah managed to get to the poles and bring back polar bears and penguins isn’t mentioned. It’s not clear how Noah assembled rare species like the Komodo dragon either, or how he kept all the animals apart so they didn’t fight, kill, or eat each other. Also, forty days and nights is a long time for any creature to go without defecating itself. Millions of animals and millions of tons of food in a boat for 40 days equals a lot of shit to clean up.
I feel sorry for Noah at this point. Not only did god set him the most ridiculous task, but god messes him about but giving contradictory instructions. Perhaps god got bored waiting for Noah to hurry up and finish! At one point god tells Noah to take in all the animals 2 by 2. But he also tells him to take the clean ones in 7 by 7. No wonder Noah took so long! I’m sure at some point he must have thought “can you not just do this yourself, please?!”
At some point after the ark was built and all the animals were in it, god causes a huge flood to come. God was either pretty distracted at this point, or like the above he feels like playing a prank on Noah through sheer boredom, because he gives two times of when Noah was supposed to enter the ark. At one point he says the flood came 7 days after Noah entered the ark, but later on he says that Noah entered the ark on the same day that the flood began.
God says that all the animals boarded the ark in the same day. Since there were millions of animals at least to go on the ark, this work out at 100 species boarding every second. Impressive huh?
Anyway, the flood comes. It rains and rains for 40 days and nights. It’s not clear where all the water comes from. God says the water reaches up to the highest mountains. He doesn’t say where all this rain water came from, and more importantly he doesn’t say where it went afterwards. Maybe it just disappeared.
Every living thing that was left on the earth was wiped out. Apparently, as far as god’s concerned, justice is punishing everything for the actions of a few. God doesn’t mention sending any warning to people before killing them all. It’s not clear why he didn’t just click his fingers and wipe out all the evil people. No, god decided that was far too low-key for him. What was needed was a grand gesture of ultimate power and destruction: the death of every animal and creature on the planet, and the genocide of every human not on the ark. Men, women, children, and babies would drown to death. It’s hard to imagine a more horrible way to die.
Finally, god decides to close up the windows in the sky where the water comes from when it rains (didn’t you know?) and drain off the excess water. God knows where! (Literally).
The arc finally came to rest after seven months on the top of a mountain. Maybe Noah actually built a submarine, since apparently the tops of the mountains weren’t visible until the tenth month. Perhaps it came to rest underwater?! (And stayed there for three months).
Well, Noah lets a dove go to find somewhere to land. He figures this will tell him whether the entire earth is covered with water, or whether it’s not. Now, I’m not going to criticise Noah since I admittedly couldn’t build a boat out of wood to carry every animal on the planet, but I sort of think that the earth being entirely covered with water or not should be a pretty obvious thing to see! Take a quick look out the window, scan around…hmmm, aaaaaaand yes!! The earth is actually still totally submerged by water. Perhaps the dove needed the exercise though, who knows.
Noah, apparently unable to discern between dry land and an ocean with his own eyes, keeps sending the dove out. Eventually after 7 days it returns with an olive leaf in its mouth. That must have been one magic olive tree! Where was it? Did it survive 150 days covered by water? Or did an olive tree manage to germinate, grow, and produce leaves in a seven day period?
Finally the waters were gone from the earth. It was dry. When did this happen? A good question. God gives us the answer. Well, actually, being the great wise-cracker that he is, god gives us TWO answers! How about that?! In the first month, on the first day of the month is one answer. In the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, is the second answer. So, urm, take your pick!
After the flood is over, Noah wants to thank god for his mass genocide so he decides on an appropriate thank you. The key to gift-gifting is: know what the other person likes! ‘What does god really like more than anything else?’ Noah thought to himself… dead animals! So, in possibly the greatest single act of stupidity by a human being, (after preserving two of every clean animal alive in the arc), Noah goes and sacrifices at least one of each animal on an altar. Brilliant. So after all that, Noah single-handedly wipes out the entire “clean” animal kingdom.
It’s ok though, because god likes the smell of burning animals. Mmmmm. Bisto….
Where did all the animals alive today come from if they were virtually wiped out by the flood, and certainly by Noah’s sacrifice (which can only be described as shooting yourself in the foot with a harpoon)? Who knows? Maybe god created more animals (so what was the point of preserving any?) or maybe animals evolved from scratch to what we see today, in just a couple of thousand years? It’s a tough one.
Finally, after enjoying the sacrifice and seeing a desolated and wrecked planet, god promises that he will never destroy the earth again because of man. Well that’s good news. Couldn’t he have decided that before the flood?! Why the change of heart? Well, god says that man’s thoughts are evil, all the time.
So, just to clarify: man is evil, so god destroys the entire earth. Then he promises that he will never destroy the earth again, because man is evil. Riiiiight.
Finally, just to piss off scientists in the future once and for all, god creates something called a “rainbow” in the sky which symbolises his promise never to destroy the earth with a flood again. I guess that means he’ll use something else next time, say, fire? He says the “rainbow” will remind him of his promise. Well, I suppose we all use memory aids. Apparently, before the flood, the action of light passing through water droplets didn’t split white light into its constituent colours.
Noah lives 930 years and dies.
After this, Noah’s descendants grow and become evil once again, and the entire human race of 6 billion people today, dates back to this small family a few thousand years ago. I guess “like bunnies” would be appropriate to describe Noah’s offspring back then.
In one last act of mischief, god hides all the evidence for this flood, hides anything that might prove man is only a few thousand years old and that EVERY creature on the planet spread out from Mt. Ararat in Turkey in a few thousand years. How did the polar bears cross the deserts and get back to the arctic? How did the penguins make it to the south pole? How did all the creatures specifically designed to survive in particular climates get back to those climates without dying? God doesn’t explain this one.
And here ends our creation trilogy. I hope you found it as enjoyable as I did! I know some parts of it seem a tiny bit unrealistic and perhaps require a slight stretching of the imagination, but hey, I didn’t write this, god did! If you have any doubts, don’t worry, just take it on faith.