My Creation Account – Episode I: The Phantom Menace

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.

There was nothing on the earth; it was void.  It was dark, and god moved on the face on the waters, kinda like a tugboat.  So I guess with there being water, the earth wasn’t all that void after all.

God now wanted light, and there was light.  He also divided the light from darkness.  I’m not sure how he did this, or where the light came from, but let’s read on.

God called the light Day, and the darkness Night.  This makes sense.  There was now an evening and a morning and this was the first day.  Now, God doesn’t mention anything about the spin of the earth to cause changes in light or dark, but then he still doesn’t mention where the light is supposed to be coming from.  We’ll just have to use our imaginations at this point.

God now created a huge structure between the water on the earth.  So he placed some water above this huge structure, which he calls a firmament.  And the rest of the water he left on the earth, presumably called the oceans.

God calls this huge firmament Heaven.  This is the end of the second day.  So he spends the entire second day creating a huge Heaven in the sky where water would be stored.

As if there was any doubt about Heaven being a place high on the earth containing waters, God confirms it by gathering all the waters under Heaven (the oceans) into one place, which resulted in dry land appearing.

God calls the dry land earth, and the gathering of waters seas.  He is apparently pleased with himself now.

God now creates all kinds of vegetation; plants, grass, trees etc, on the earth.  Unfortunately, since god hasn’t created a sun yet, presumably they were kept alive through some process besides photosynthesis.

 This all happened on the third day.

Onto the fourth: god now creates light-sources to divide the day from the night, even though he apparently already did this earlier.  These new (redundant?!) light sources he places in the firmament in the sky.  So, in the huge vault of water called Heaven about the earth, god places the sun and the moon.  As if this wasn’t enough, he now creates trillions and trillions of stars which presumably are in the firmament too.  That the sun and moon appear to be at great distances from earth, as well as the stars, is apparently one great optical illusion.

God talks about the sun being a greater light and the moon being a lesser light.  Perhaps god is just being poetic here since the moon doesn’t actually give out its own light.

So, so far there have been four days and a division of day from night on each one, even though god didn’t create the sun to give light or separate light from dark until the fourth day.  I wonder what the earth was orbiting until the fourth day.

The following takes place between Day 5 and Day 6: god creates great sea creatures, and flying creatures.  Just to reiterate that the great firmament called heaven that contains the sun, moon, and stars, is actually a huge vault of water in earth’s sky, he specifies that flying creatures will ‘fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven’.

(In his wisdom, god creates some animals with curious anomalies.  For instance, he creates whales, but also gives them vestigial hind limbs.  He also seems intent on throwing in lots of junk DNA, redundant body parts, and the occasional design flaw.)

God yet again seems to be pleased with himself for this.  He blesses the life-forms he’s created.  (In other words, ‘good luck, you’re going to need it!’)

Day 6: god now creates living creatures on the earth.  Although he doesn’t explicitly state it, it is presumably around this time that god creates and hides fossils all over the earth of apparently-ancient never-existing creatures.

God also creates all the creepy things on the earth.  Although not directly stated by god, one would assume this includes Marilyn Manson.  It definitely must include flesh-eating bacteria, killer diseases, deadly viruses, and millions of insects that specifically feed off and damage other life-forms, causing suffering, blindness, disease, and death.

Interestingly enough, god says that the waters and the earth themselves ‘bring forth the living creatures’, as oppose to saying that he directly created them.  Could god be talking about nature itself producing new living creatures gradually over time??

Once again, God is chuffed with himself.

But he’s not finished yet.  God creates man “in our image”.  Maybe god is talking to other gods, or maybe he’s talking to himself.  Cuckoo!

God creates male and female, and wants them to have dominion over all life on the earth.  He also needs to give them something to eat, so in a wonderful act of generosity that isn’t in the least bit confusing, god declares that he’s giving trees and fruit…for meat!

The animals also need food, so god gives them green herb…for meat!  At this point in time, one assumes that predominantly carnivorous creatures like cats, which cannot live on a non-meat diet, had a different digestive system.

That’s the end of the sixth day now.

So, to recap: there was nothing.  Although there was nothing, there was also water.  God made a huge transparent vault in the sky to store some water.  He then created trees and plants.  Although there was no sun for the earth to orbit or get light from, there was apparently still day and night.  Realising now that there needed to be a day and night (?!) he created a sun and put that in the vault too.  He also put the moon and stars in there as well; in the area of water in the sky.  Great.  By the sixth day, he creates animals and man and gives them fruit for meat.

Wow.  After all that I’m a bit tired now and need a rest.  It seems god had the same idea…


This story is continued tomorrow…


One Response to “My Creation Account – Episode I: The Phantom Menace”

  1. trailrider Says:

    “…kinda like a tugboat.” Beautiful!

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