My Entomophobia – Wed 2nd May 07

The only thing I hate about the summer more than the sun, is insects.

I hate insects.  (Well, except for the hoverfly).  Disgusting furry little ugly buzzing things.

Most insects only exist because the world is full of shit.  Their sole niche in the organic hierachy is to gather around shit, feed off shit, and reproduce on shit.  In this respect insects have very much in common with gypsies.

This afternoon I was lying on bed and a huge bastard wasp came straight in my room.  It barely made a noise and didn’t flit around, it just ambled in and over to my bed.  The arrogant little shit!  I stopped shreaking like a girl long enough to slide away and peer from behind my door.  The wasp was clearly on a reconaissance mission.  After a few seconds it turned around and headed straight back out the way it came.  I looked for something to throw at it but the only things to hand were my Star Wars limited edition replica lightsabre or a Spice Girls “Best Of” CD.  After a quick ethical dilemma the CD got launched…caught the wasp square on its fat strippy chin.  KO!  Unfortunately, the CD reflected direct sunlight onto a bottle of aftershave on the floor and started a mini-fire, melting the Spice Girls CD!  Having no water to hand to extinguish the flame I was severely tempted to just piss the fire out, but this would have been far too dignified for a Spice Girls album, so I went downstairs and got some Budweiser and poured that on the fire instead.

True story.

Anyway, I’d go as far as to say that insects are direct proof that there can be no God.  Here’s my reductio ad absurdum:

Premise 1: Insects exist and thrive. 

Premise 2: Only a twat would create a world where insects can thrive.

Premise 3: God exists.

Premise 4: God isn’t a twat.

Reductio ad absurdum: there is a clear contradiction, therefore one of the premises is wrong; I’m leaning towards 3 or 4…

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