My Half-Day – Wed 21st Mar 07

So I had bad heartburn in the night last night. Maybe it was the way I was lying, or perhaps it was the three sandwiches I had going to bed. It could have been the 4 brandy-and-cokes, it’s hard to say. I know this though: late night food and alcohol is an even worse idea than playing hop-scotch with Heather Mills-McCartney.

I did get to have a half day today though. Which was really good. Much better than Michelle McManus’ cover of a Girls Aloud song… “I’m talking ’bout a whole lotta pastry…”

So once I got into work I was back to my usual task of saving everyone’s arse and putting out fires everywhere. I’m kinda like a fireman (metaphorically speaking of course, do try and keep up), only I do actually work for more than 3 hours a day, don’t sit around on my arse eating doughnuts and reading the paper in my spare time, don’t ask for an extra £10k a year, and don’t stand on a picket line if I don’t get my way.

I’m not against the Fire Service by the way. I’m just not sure if it counts as a full-time job. I mean, most of the time, they basically have to rely on people being incredibly stupid…

“Frank, are you coming to bed??”

“Yes hunny! Just let me lock up and switch the iron on face-down first…”


The Fire Service does have several redeeming features over the Police though. That being, the Fire Service generally doesn’t think it owns the country. Which I can’t really blame the Police for, since they basically do.

Also, once the fireman pull you from a burning building, they’re less likely to throw you in the back of a van and beat the shit out of you. Not being too critical: pickey bastards: hey arrest them for walking. And when I say arrest I mean set fire to, and when I say walking, I of course mean breathing… however, innocent bystander minding his own business on his own driveway, in the middle of the night, taking in the fresh air, being arrested and locked up all night for “indecent exposure in a public place”??? Is this the best our Police Force can do??

Besides, it was the middle of the night. How I am supposed to know next door’s kids are looking out their window whilst I go for a wander in my birthday suit?

That’s not the worst thing that’s happened to me though. By comparison it was much better than that time I was studying Downe’s Syndrome and got confused by a pub advertising “Downing competition”. Naturally I walked in and asked where all the retards were. Doctor says I might be walking again in 6-8 weeks.


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