My job offer to creationists!

Living in the dark ages? Still under a cloud of misinterpretation, strawmen, lies, deceit, ignorance, wishful-thinking, self-delusion and magic?

There is a job out there for you! Become a creationist. Despite the popular opinion that creationism is too stupid to just CHOOSE to believe, and that 99% of people who do believe in a Big Friendly Skydad do so simply because they were brought up to believe it by their parents and have been lied to about scientific fact all their lives, it is possible to CHOOSE to be a creationist! Yes! All it requires is the deactivation of that floating encephalon in your skull.

But, before you start your career of taking a shit on every good thing to come out the Renaissance period, the enlightening of mankind, and the general leaning away from ignorance and magical thinking to the reasoning and study of the world around us (you know, the whole thing that’s kinda put mankind where it is now)…here are some things we need to address first, otherwise if your brain ever kick-starts back into life you might find yourself questioning creationism, and we can’t have that:

1. AIDS. Despite what the evil evolutionists would have us believe, it is IMPOSSIBLE for anything to mutate into another form of life! Dogs don’t give birth to horses do they?! Pah! Now, this may seem to pose a problem to the ill-informed creationist when it comes to things like deadly plagues and bacteria, or killer viruses. After all, if evolution is impossible, where did these things come from? Ah-ha! There are several answers: 1. God made it that way. This is a rather mysterious one, but since when did that stop us “believers”. The non-believers (read: sodomising godless child-butchers) out there might whine “doesn’t that just create more problems than it solves?? Why would ANY God deliberately create deadly plagues and viruses??” The answer?: “No”. See how easy?!

Option 2: This is only micro-evolution, not actual evolution! This is a good one, because it almost sounds like you know what you’re talking about, even though you’ve never read a scientific book in your life. The baby-killing bastards (read: atheist evolutionists) will curl off some speel like “there is no difference between micro and macro evolution; it’s just one step compared to a series of steps…and/or the principles between all evolution are the same…it works for either so you can’t have one without the other, and it’s proven to exist in the lab and in real life, and the it’s supported by the certainty of a common DNA ancestor, the nested hierachy of all living things, junk DNA, traceable genetics, vestigial organs, and the fossil record…”

The answer? Simple: Do you REALLY want to believe that you come from a monkey*?? I know I don’t! No thank you evolution! We are God’s noble beautiful chosen creatures. Which is why he wants to kill us all unless we worship him in a very specific way that, curiously enough, EVERY other religion on the planet is wrong about! Thank, well, God! that WE have discovered the REAL truth!

*(Evolutionists might try and point out that humans didn’t evolve from apes; that humans and all apes currently living have a common ancestor. Just like horses didn’t come from zebras but they have a common ancestor that isn’t alive anymore… tomato tomarto…)

2. CANCER. FLESH-EATING PARASITES. MOSQUITOS.

Since we know that these things couldn’t have developed themselves over millions of years, from a very simple version that did something similar to another not-to-simple version that did something similar but slightly better, to another very similar not-quite-as-simple-as-the-last version that managed to do even better at surviving and reproducing, and so on for such a long time that eventually it doesn’t quite look anything like what it originally came from, even though from small successive modifications along the way it would actually seem quite likely…there is only one explanation: God made them. Yup. Syphillis, cancer, leukemia, Downes Syndrome, cerebral palsy, babies born blind, necrotising fasciitis, haemorroids, and Manchester United…God intended them all! Well, did he not know about them? Hey, he’s the Almighty remember! How can he be all-knowing and not know the outcome of EVERY thing that will EVER happen? So, since he created these things directly (since they can’t evolve after all) or allowed them to happen, the obvious question we need to expunge from our systems faster than a curry and beer on a Sunday morning is “WHY”?

Well, God moves in mysterious ways. Even if didn’t want them to be around (which he probably did, since if he didn’t want them to be around he would have done something about them duh!), maybe he allows them to be here for some mysterious over-riding good reason that we just have to accept. Or, maybe Satan created them? Perhaps it’s mankind’s own-fault for: messing around with [whatever] / playing god / wrecking the earth / experimenting with genetics / turning their backs on god / having better things to do then kneel to an invisible being and serve him hand and foot like a slave / listen to the ignorant rambles of old unintelligent men who tell you what to do with your life / invent your own reason…?

Whoever’s fault it is, do you REALLY think it’s God’s? Really?? He loves you, don’t you know? Why would someone do bad things if they loved you?! See? Feel better already don’t you…

You are now ready to be a fully-fledged creationist! Just ignore all those little doubts (and facts) and whatever you do, if ANYone ANYtime, EVER offers to explain the REAL facts of evolution to you, and clear up your “ignorance”, your response will forever be: “No thank you! I already know all I need to know, and I don’t want to hear anything more from evolution! I’m no monkey!”

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2 Responses to “My job offer to creationists!”

  1. katemcdonald Says:

    Ok. I am cracking up. But don’t lump all Christians in as Creationists, ok? Some of us love God and believe that the Bible wasn’t written to be a “how to create a world in 7 24 hour days” manual!

  2. evanescent Says:

    Hi Katie, I don’t believe I lumped all Christians together, or implied that the bible is to be applied to anything in practical terms. Indeed I think the bible should not be applied to anything in practical terms because it is nearly useless as a guide to living (or anything else, unless you want to know how to breed stripey sheep. Simple: have them mate in the presence of striped pieces of wood, according to the OT).

    However, I would like to know how one can be a Christian and NOT be a creationist? Is the bible to be taken literally or not?


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