My Random List of Annoying Things!

Here are some random things that bug me.

The phrase “An hour or two”

…or “a week or two”, or “10 minutes, maybe 20”. I hate it when people say this because what they’re really saying is “it’ll be about this long, or twice that!” What the fuck?! If I ask when the train comes and someone says “an hour, give or take 10 mins” I can live with that. But if they say “an hour or two” they’re really saying “60 minutes, or 120 minutes”. So which is it??

You see it on TV when the doctor says “he’s got a week left, maybe two.” Let me get this right: this guy is dying and he might hang on for 7 days…or maybe 14?! Way to narrow down the timeframe! Wankers.

“…as far as we know!”

Ah the favourite retort of the True Believer. You often hear people (especially theists) say this in answer to you saying something like “as far as we know life evolved”. And they’ll smile and very wittingly reply “ah, as far as we know!” Well, yes, what’s your point?? If you jump off a cliff you’ll fall, as far as we know! The earth goes around the sun, as far as we know. George Bush is human, as far as we know. (Ok bad example.)

It’s called “know” for a reason! Or do you have another word you’d like to use instead? (Perhaps believe?? It’s easy to get those two mixed up if you’re a Believer).

I think you should be allowed to punch anyone who says this, and when they say “that hurt” you should reply “as far as you know it does”.

Fahrenheit

I’m sorry what year do we live in? Does anyone seriously use Fahrenheit for anything anymore?? It pisses me off whenever a temperature is announced (like the Weather) and the presenter as an aside tells us what the equivalent is in degrees F. Why not give us it in Kelvin too whilst you’re at it, or say it in Welsh, just to fill the programme with as much useless information as possible?

It’s like when people say “oh it’s so hot out there, it’s over 100 degrees!” I just look at them with disgust and say “hmmm, shouldn’t we all be dead then??” After a few seconds of vacant retardation it’ll dawn on them what I mean and they’ll chuckle and say “ooh no ha, I meant Fahrenheit!” No shit Captain Caveman, why don’t you dance around a Totem pole to take the sun away then.

Ringtones and people who let them ring

Wow, you’ve got the James Bond theme song as your ring tone. Brilliant. I probably could have guessed that after the first 10 seconds you let it ring. The pseudo-rummaging around in your one-pocket jacket to find it was almost as embarrassing as the fact you think people really care!

I swear people really do this. They let the phone ring as long as absolutely possible so everyone can hear the tone, or hear that they’re so popular they’ve got different ringtones for different friends. I just think it’s embarrassing. (Not as embarrassing as that time I played hop-scotch with Heather Mills-McCartney though.)

People who show you pictures of their kids

I don’t have any kids (that I know of), so maybe I’m just missing something. But what is it with people who feel the need to show off their children in person or photographs to you?? I’m in the middle of eating or something, and all of a sudden this baby pic gets thrust in my face. ‘Thanks for ruining my lunch, let me put it down and pretend to say something complimentary.’

Fortunately, I’ve discovered a counter-measure: next time someone shows you a picture of their kids, just make a noise like “mmmm” and gently stroke the photograph. I promise you they’ll never do it again.

Hollywood

Overpaid parasites; overrated “actors”; shitty storylines; one tired lazy cliché after another; one plagiarised script or comic-book remake after another. It’s all crap. We should all stop going the cinema and buying DVDs until the Film Industry pulls it fat self-fellating finger out and makes something worth watching for a change.

Radio

Jingles; more commercials than actual music; the same songs repeated 6 times a day; the same songs played at the same time every day; every DJ trying to be “your pal on the airwaves” or the next Howard Stern. Take your pick!

When every song that’s only halfway through isn’t being interrupted or cut off, an advert is on; “Welcome to Advert FM! We’ll be right back with the commercials after the first minute of this U2 song!” Cutting off songs pisses me off almost as much as repeating them every hour: why pretend you’re there to play music at all?!

The only thing I’ve found more offensive than listening to radio is that time I had to write an essay on the Counts of Old France without using the letter “o”.

Americans who think America is a Christian nation

These people pride themselves on being patriotic to the core. So patriotic in fact, that they haven’t heard of a little thing called the Treaty of Tripoli:

“As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquillity, of Mussulmen…”

The United States was founded as a secular government. The founding fathers would probably cringe if they saw what Christian zealots had done and try to do to the liberal free-thinking republic that they founded.

“In god we trust” was added to American currency. Why didn’t the founding fathers think of this themselves?? Could it be because they saw properly that in a secular government the state is independent of a particular religion’s beliefs?? Why was “under god” added to the Pledge of Allegiance, effectively forcing Americans to pledge loyalty to a god they might not even believe in at the same time they were pledging allegiance to their country?? Why didn’t the Fathers come up with this originally themselves??

Could it be because Christian fundamentalists have corrupted what should be the greatest nation and government on earth? American Christians aren’t patriots. They’re fundamentalists. They don’t care what country they’re in, as long as they get their way. When the US added “In God we Trust” to their currency, they might as well have broken out the original manuscript of the Constitution and wiped their arses with it.

Calling America a ‘Christian nation’ is a cowardly perverse despicable lie.