My Reality – Mon 28th May 07

Last Wednesday I had the misfortune of watching the UEFA Champions League final. Before you immediately look for the X in the top right corner of your browser window, rest assured this isn’t a football rant!

I support Liverpool FC, who were defeated by AC Milan. Now, I thought losing in a European cup final would take some beating in terms of pain, but funnily enough, Milan’s Brazilian superstar Kaka had other plans. At the end of the game, he took his club jersey off to reveal a white T-shirt that read “I belong to Jesus”. Ah, whole new levels of pain.

I think anyone who believes that an almighty sovereign being who created the universe, and oversees the lives of 6 billion people on the planet, whilst at the same time being involved in a battle of literally biblical proportions against the forces of evil for the salvation of the human race, really cares about the result of a football match, is a severely deluded conceited individual.

I can just imagine God™ now: “All those millions of starving children…oh what’s this, yet another footballer crossing himself as he walks on the pitch…hmmm… eeny, meeny, miny, moe….I think I’ll give Kaka a goal.”

There are so many reasons why this kind of superstition quasi-OCD behaviour is ridiculous.

First, how bloody self-important and conceited are you if you think that God (if he exists) has nothing more important to do that make sure you play well in a game of your chosen sport?! I bet after setting the Big Bang in motion God could barely wait those 15 billion years until Jonny Christian showed up on the scene and needed help scoring a goal at football.

Second: the first point above is really magnified when one considers that almost ALL Christian footballers of any real belief ALL cross themselves when they walk on the pitch. And how many sportsmen attribute their win to God?!

So, if you’re a deluded Christian (like Kaka), you’re not only arrogant enough to think that God is going to favour you over all the other issues in the world, but he’s also going to favour you over OTHER CHRISTIANS who’ve also asked for his help?! How does God go about deciding whether to help Christian A on Team X or Christian B on Team Y? Toss a coin? Ip-dip? It’s just not clear to me. Maybe it’s the person who prays the most??

I think you’ve got to be a really self-deluded narcissist to honestly think that asking your “god” for help at sports is going to be anything other than the superstitious egotistical bullshit that it is. It’s the epitome of arrogance and is just plain irrational.

Praying for sports seems to take the proverbial biscuit, and then regurgitate it. But when you think about it, praying for anything at all makes no sense. For the sake of the following, let’s assume that God™ does exist:

God already knows what you want before you ask for it. So asking for it is irrelevant! If he knows you need/want something then he’d just give it to you anyway. Some might say that he wants you to ask for it first, but this isn’t really a good justification. Does God see humans as pets that need to beg to get a treat?? “Stand up. Roll over. Speak. Good boy!! Ok I’ll cure your cancer.”

Besides, doesn’t God know the future anyway? Nothing happens without God’s knowledge and approval, yes? So asking God to change what he has ordained for the future is pointless. Everything that happens does so according to his will, so who are you to try and change God’s will? In fact, trying to change God’s will is a bad thing surely! Or is the Christian claiming that they know better than God?!

Third, beseeching a supernatural being for interference is useless for another excellent reason: Epicurus observed that God(s) would not be perfect if human actions and desires could influence them. To be perfect is to be unchangeable, un-improvable. If God did something based on human desire, it would imply that there was something better that could be done that he wouldn’t have otherwise done. But for a perfect being this makes no sense.

Finally, (to lend slightly from skepdic.com), the idea of supernatural beings interfering with human affairs makes our understanding of the world irrelevant: imagine if Roger Federer wins Wimbledon 2007 (again) and claims that God helped him. Do we disqualify him?? If Filipo Inzahgi scores the winning goal in the Champions League final with help from Jesus, or Michael Jordan’s incredible prowess was due to supernatural assistance, what is the point of sport?

There would be no point humans competing against each other, since some of them have God’s help and some don’t.

In fact, the whole world would be pointless. How would we make sense of anything? A hurricane might just be a force of nature, of it could be God being angry. A lottery win might be blind luck, or it could be Jesus rewarding someone. Being hit by a bus or falling in love might be the end result of a necessary sequence of events, or it could be God deciding that your time was up, or that you should meet your soul mate. In this world, there’d be no point trying to make sense of anything or looking for causality.

Why bother trying to understand how stars are formed, or how the human brain works, or what makes a better athlete? Supernatural beings can just snap their fingers and do whatever they want with our universe, so the laws of nature mean nothing. Cause and effect means nothing.

Fortunately, we don’t live in that kind of world; supernatural beings don’t interfere with our lives, and the Gods of human myths and legends we can safely say are just imaginary. The laws of the universe are pretty much ubiquitous. The universe we see is one governed by mysterious or mundane natural forces that have no sentiment or conscience. The universe is indifferent to humans.

There is no god to thank or rebel against. No one to thank for our good luck or bad luck. No one to pray to when we really really want something. No one watching over us to keep us safe and warm and protect us from our enemies. We are on our own.

Perhaps people who like to believe that a god listens to them and that they’re his special one have bliss in ignorance. Personally, I’m happy not to be deluded. I’m happy to see the world how it really is, and not have the arrogance or conceit to imagine that an almighty sky-creature sits around waiting for me to make a request or tell It how amazing It is.

The only thing we’ve really got is our minds, our bodies, and other people. And if you want to do anything in this life you’ve got to do it using a combination of the three things above. No one belongs to Jesus, you belong to yourself! Cut out the superstition self-gratifying prayer and kneeling! Get on your feet and make your own actions. Take credit for your own accomplishments and responsibility for your errors – don’t pass them onto an imaginary being.

Time to grow up and be an adult; be a human being. Look at the world as it really is.

My Old Friend – Tue 23rd May 07

I just found out before that an old friend of mine died last week. His name was Paul Cannon, but almost every called him Yogi, as in Yogi bear, because he was bubbly, friendly, and on the large side.

I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness, and so was he. I was always eager to be in with all the “cool” crowd, like any teenager I suppose, and maybe that’s why Yogi was so popular, because he knew and got on with everyone. He seemed to be everybody’s friend!

He could always make people laugh, but he wasn’t afraid to laugh himself, or at himself.

He had dreams of writing films, producing and directing movies. He had travelled to Cannes and Hollywood to visit events and further his dream.

But I remember being told he had Hodgkin’s disease a few year’s ago. I was gutted for him, but unfortunately we moved in different circles so I never saw him for some time after that. He went into remission a few times I think.

He deconverted from the JW faith some time after me, yet we didn’t see each other much, except from an odd game of snooker one Saturday afternoon and a corridor passing in the local Recreation Centre, spanning a few years.

I always find when you meet someone after a few years who you used to be good friends with, it’s almost more awkward than meeting someone who you didn’t know that well, because small-talk isn’t really an option because you’ll both recognise it in each other, and you can’t really talk about the “deeper” things or common interests, or people you know because, well, you don’t really know each other anymore.

That’s kinda how I felt when I passed Paul in the Rec corridor last year, but the truth is, I would have loved to had stayed and talked more but you can’t do that properly in a corridor, and we were both in a rush anyway. I distinctly remember saying that I had to go but would be right back and I thought instantly that it must have sounded like I was just making my excuses to leave. But I did actually plan to come back.

I realise that was the last time I saw him.

I hated school. When I left after 6th and had a large group of friends I really started to grow as a person and become myself. This was from about age 17 onwards. Now, I’m nowhere near the same person as I was, but I will always think fondly of those times, between 17 and 21. Playing snooker, flirting with the girls in the congregation, walking around the JW conventions, always being in a big crowd, there always being something to gossip about. Summer evenings, double-dates, house parties, laughs. And for me, Paul was an integral part of that. It would be impossible for me to think back on those times without remembering him. In fact, the more I think back now on that time, the more I actually realise all the things we did! I realise that we were closer than I thought at the time.

I wonder if he knows how many people’s lives he affected?

I’m an atheist, which means I can’t hope to see him again. Ever. That still stings, because for the majority of my life of course I believed that anyone who’s died would be resurrected. But that’s not true.

My friend is gone. No room will ever echo again with his hilarious high-pitched shameless laugh. Nor will he make anyone else laugh hysterically like he did so many times.

I can’t offer hope of reunion or anything else to his relatives and friends, and I hold none myself.

All I can say is what I’d say if Paul could hear me now: “You’ll be missed mate. You were a top bloke. And we had some great times. Thanks for the memories.”

It’s not fair.

All I can do is the most anyone can do really, and that is, remember you.

What I Discovered on Holiday – Mon 21st May 07

• This planet is huge.
• The earth is a beautiful place.
• There is no price to friendship.
• You can be lonely even in a crowd.
• Work takes up far too much of our life.
• Getting up early isn’t so much of a chore when you’re not going to work!
• This planet is tiny.
• Monty Python just isn’t funny. At all.
• I need to practice more at poker.
• Life without girls just wouldn’t be worth living.
• I was born too early.
• Life is too short.
• Worry without action gets you nowhere.
• A group of men left alone for long enough will invariably talk about sex and/or bodily functions.
• There is too much to do in so short a time.
• Humour is the greatest gift humans have.
• You can make a connection with a girl with just a look in a split-second.
• I wish I could fly.
• Whenever you take a risk you’re always glad you did no matter how it turns out.
• I’m sad.
• I’m happy.

My Departure – Thu 10th May 07

Well, even superheroes need a holiday every now and then, and this is mine!  I’m off to chill out, reflect on the meaning of life, take a break from the fame and fortune that is my everyday life, and go on vacation (I can sense the cringing of English readers).

Like any good Englishman on vacation I intend to of course drink lots of alcohol, offend plenty of people I don’t know, stay up very late and abuse the fact that I’m not in work the next day, and of course the timeless classic: meet a random girl of questionable age.

Of course all this means that for one week I won’t be posting any more articles, but this is actually a good thing for two reasons: 1. it’s good to see how the whole internet copes without me (not very well I imagine), and 2. it gives everyone a chance to go back and read everything I’ve ever written from the start.

I’m hoping that the time off will give all my fans a chance to catch up with the Gospel according to Tim, and inspire me to write all new fantastic articles.

Being the internet junkie that I am though, I’ll probably check my mail every now and then so anyone is free to mail me or leave comments.

My Problem with Religion – Tue 8th Mar 07

This article has been doing the rounds in a lot of blogs lately, but I don’t think the point can possibly be over-killed.

So if you’ve already seen this, apologies, and if not here you go:

http://www.aina.org/news/20070425181603.htm

I’m not going to get on my high horse and act like non-religious people are saints, or that non-religious people don’t and haven’t committed awful crimes.  But last time I checked, no atrocity has ever been committed in the name of atheism, non-religiosity, scepticism, rationalism, or secularism.

People ask atheists what we have against religion.  See the link above.  This is just typical of the barbarism that history is full of, in the name of religion.

Some people might say that in a world without religion humans would still find something to fight over.  I agree humans will probably always fight over things, rational things.  But to suggest that in a world without irrational faith-based delusions mankind would invent something else to fill that void, is baseless and a non-sequitor.  It is a wishy-washy “keep everyone happy” non-answer that the facts of history simply reject.

In the atrocity linked to above, what was the motive?  And what pray tell would humans replace it with if religion didn’t exist?  If religion didn’t exist, would the girl above be stoned to death?  No.

My Sticky Web – Mon 7th May 07

I’ve been having some computer problems lately. It could be the large volumes of illegal material I download, or perhaps every computer has a built-in limit to how much non-nude teen-tease porn it can hold, I don’t know. Another likely explanation is that Windows in every incarnation is another shitfest of poorly-assembled over-written badly-coded junk, but that’s harsh and besides, Vista is so pretty if I saw it at a bar I’d ask it out, if it wasn’t for the fact that like any hot girl, it would probably ask me out first.

But is there any solution to any (computer) problem that can’t be found sooner or later in the ethereal world of the internet?? I don’t think so.

And this got me thinking how important the internet is. History is full of great discoveries that happened by design and a great many that happened by chance. The internet is one of the latter. But how does it stack up against some of the most important discoveries of all time? I don’t know. But it has gradually (yet on the human timescale incredibly quickly) revolutionised the way we work, live, shop, educate, communicate, love, hate, and entertain.

When you think about it: for a very modest fee, you can access the sum total of human knowledge, instantly, at any time of the day or night! You can meet and talk to anyone anywhere in the world! From the comfort of your home (or swordfish-esque chick-magnet luxury hi-tech penthouse suite on the French Riviera in my case) you can buy almost anything in minutes and have it delivered to you!

You can meet friends, make contacts, fall in love. The social circle for a “networked” person can in theory, be limitless!

All of the advantages of the internet can be summed up I think in one word: communication.

Communication makes the earth a small place. It brings people together. It connects us. And this is something that doesn’t happen enough.

Humans are a paradox. For all our isolationism and xenophobia, and tendency to border ourselves off by continents, countries, cities, districts, streets, and houses…and be suspicious of anyone different, all people are crying out for a connection with other human beings. Humans are nothing without communication; it is the single most important reason we have evolved to be the dominant life form on the planet. Our brain is more specialised for language and communication than any other task.

I believe the internet fulfils a human desire to be a part of something greater like nothing else before it could. It doesn’t matter if you have a hundred friends or ten. In fact, loneliness and sociability are irrelevant. The popular stereotype of the internet being for geeks, nerds, or people without real friends, is very quickly on the decline because more and more people are realising that this simply isn’t the case. Everyone is beginning to realise how useful and fun it can be!

A social networking website like MySpace is a perfect example. I was loathed to ever sign up on it. But after some arm-twisting by a friend of mine (he’s a Manc though so I’m not going to say too many nice things) I did it for a laugh and now I’m glad I did.

There are people who don’t like the internet for serious reasons. That is, they’re serious but their reasons aren’t to be taken that way. People who warn against the dangers of the internet on the grounds that it can allow terrorists to collaborate and spread information, or teach kids to make a taser gun, or anyone to buy weapons online, or paedophiles to spread illegal pornography, don’t know what they’re talking about. These are the same types who might denigrate science because “it gave us guns, nuclear weapons, exocet missiles, bio-terrorism etc.”

The internet is another application of science, and like science, it is a means of acquiring information. Now, acquiring information in and of itself is almost always a good thing; censorship is the first sign of a totalitarian regime. It is odd and pretty silly for anyone to blame science for the things certain people do with that information! “Joey Terrorist used a nuclear dirty bomb to kill a thousand people, so damn science for giving us nuclear technology.” Hang on a sec there pumpkin, science doesn’t tell you what to do with your knowledge. There’s a little thing called human responsibility that you can’t just ignore. Science might answer “if you want to kill someone from distance, here’s how”, just as it might answer “if you want to cure cancer, here’s how”…but these are just answers; the responsibility lies with the questioner! Don’t blame science for the answers it has, but with the people who ask the wrong questions. If a war is fought over religion using weapons of science, don’t blame science for the weapons! Blame religion for the war! Science is a means to an end – the end is the responsibility of humans; this is where the buck stops.

The internet is like science. It can be used or misused. Arguments against the internet are similar to the ones in the paragraph above, or they are based on censorship. But if someone is arguing against the dangers of the internet on the grounds of information they don’t want you to have, either they have something to hide or they don’t trust you to regulate your own life. (This doesn’t apply to parental controls of course).

But the internet is the only place on earth where free speech really exists. You can say what you want about anything for free. And you can read the opinions of anyone else, anywhere on earth.

The internet is about connecting people and allowing free access to information, and like I’ve said previously one of the biggest problems in this world is that people don’t talk enough, which means they don’t get to know each other. And if you don’t know someone, it’s easy to mistrust them and doubt their motives. This leads to suspicion. Suspicion leads to fear. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. (That sounds vaguely familiar).

I don’t know if it’s possible to judge discoveries on the grand scale because you can’t always know all the far-reaching consequences for better or worse, but surely the internet, as accidental as it initially was, will go down in human history as one of the great intellectual revolutions of all time.

My Hat – Sun 6th May 07

My hat…I take off to this woman.  She deserves the admiration and respect of free-thinkers and rationalists everywhere:

My Entomophobia – Wed 2nd May 07

The only thing I hate about the summer more than the sun, is insects.

I hate insects.  (Well, except for the hoverfly).  Disgusting furry little ugly buzzing things.

Most insects only exist because the world is full of shit.  Their sole niche in the organic hierachy is to gather around shit, feed off shit, and reproduce on shit.  In this respect insects have very much in common with gypsies.

This afternoon I was lying on bed and a huge bastard wasp came straight in my room.  It barely made a noise and didn’t flit around, it just ambled in and over to my bed.  The arrogant little shit!  I stopped shreaking like a girl long enough to slide away and peer from behind my door.  The wasp was clearly on a reconaissance mission.  After a few seconds it turned around and headed straight back out the way it came.  I looked for something to throw at it but the only things to hand were my Star Wars limited edition replica lightsabre or a Spice Girls “Best Of” CD.  After a quick ethical dilemma the CD got launched…caught the wasp square on its fat strippy chin.  KO!  Unfortunately, the CD reflected direct sunlight onto a bottle of aftershave on the floor and started a mini-fire, melting the Spice Girls CD!  Having no water to hand to extinguish the flame I was severely tempted to just piss the fire out, but this would have been far too dignified for a Spice Girls album, so I went downstairs and got some Budweiser and poured that on the fire instead.

True story.

Anyway, I’d go as far as to say that insects are direct proof that there can be no God.  Here’s my reductio ad absurdum:

Premise 1: Insects exist and thrive. 

Premise 2: Only a twat would create a world where insects can thrive.

Premise 3: God exists.

Premise 4: God isn’t a twat.

Reductio ad absurdum: there is a clear contradiction, therefore one of the premises is wrong; I’m leaning towards 3 or 4…