My top 20 songs that everyone should listen to at least once – Wed 28th Feb 07

I’m bored, so here are 20 songs that everyone in the world should listen to, at least once in their lives.

They’re not necessarily my favourite songs (although most of them are), and some of them have been overplayed to death. But imagine that you heard them for the first time, brand new. Take “Angels” for instance, ok the song itself has become a cliche, but they’ll be playing it in 40 years time still I bet you! It was a legendary song when it came out, and still is, even though it’s played far too much for every occasion from weddings and funerals to circumcisions and vasectomies.

It isn’t one of my favourites however. Well…since you asked, Comfortably Numb is world class. Anyone who didn’t get shivers down the spine when Pink Floyd performed it at Live 8 is a terrorist. Most U2 songs are great – ‘With or without you’ will live forever. And Mr. Brightside? Well, it just fucking rocks! And despite it’s fast upbeat theme it’s kinda sad too. I’m not going to comment on all of them, except for “The Girl Who Wouldn’t Die”. This is in my top three of all time. Unfortunately, despite being on the soundtrack for American Psycho II, it will never be famous! The world’s loss.

As for “The Promise”…this is a song for a world that doesn’t have enough love to deserve it. 80s? Yup. Bit cheesy-sounding? Perhaps. Does it piss on all modern manufactured contrived poppy love-song efforts? By a country mile…and with enough piss left over to bottle and sell on eBay.

In no particular order:

U2 – With or Without You

When in Rome – The Promise

The Killers – Mr. Brightside

Robbie Williams – Angels

Evanescence – My Immortal

Coldplay – The Scientist

The Beatles – Let it Be

John Lennon – Imagine

The Righteous Brothers – Unchained Melody

Pink Floyd – Comfortably Numb

REM – Find the River

U2 – One

U2 – Pride

Madonna – The Power of Goodbye

All Saints – Pure Shores

Oasis – Don’t look back in anger

Oasis – Whatever

Snow Patrol – Run

Embrace – Fireworks

Tsar – The Girl Who Wouldn’t Die

There are far too many magnificent songs to squeeze into a top 20, but I felt like making a start somewhere, and considering I probably have the best taste in music of anyone, anywhere, at any time, I think I’m there or there abouts.

Got a suggestion? Let me know. I’ll ignore it but hey, knock yourself out.

My god, I’m so popular! – Mon 26th Feb 07

Son of a bitch!

It’s such a pain being so popular! I’ve had to increase my top friends from 12 to 16, just so I can show more people on the main page!

All these people who want to know me…I really should stop bribing them.

Oh by the way, a special word to those friends who aren’t listed in my top 16. If you are a good friend of mine and think you should be in my top friends but aren’t, you’re wrong. You’re probably one of those people who’s always trying to be with the cool popular crowd and laughs at every joke, but no one really likes you. Tough. My top 16 is an elite. Don’t spoil it.

Do you see that?? Hey? Eh?? It’s my shadow…get in…

Carling Cup Final ‘07 – Sun 25th Feb 07

Arsenal 1 – 2 Chelsea

I bet Roman Ambramovich was watching this game, wondering why his toy of over overpaid over-rated mercenaries can’t play football like Arsenal’s kids.

Arsenal’s kids were a credit to their club and to football. Whilst Wenger’s team of cleverly-assembled talent passed and moved their way around the pitch, Chelsea lumped the ball high and long faster than it takes Frank Lampard to finish a burger.

At the end of the day, Chelsea took their chances and that’s all that counts. But they were crap today, and only one player on their team rose to the occasion.

If anyone wants to know why people call Chelsea “Chavski”, it’s because they have no class. Maybe it was the objects being hurled at Arsenal’s corner-takers; maybe it was the pathetic “who the fucking hell are you?!” chants as the Arsenal reserves went up to receive their medals. We have no way of knowing if Arsenal fans would have thrown things at Chelsea’s corner-taker as I can’t remember Chelsea forcing a corner in the entire match.

In answer to the Chelsea chants above: “they’re the team with an average age of 20-21, that outplayed your classless overpaid bunch of rich mercenaries for 90 minutes! That’s who they are!” You’d think even Chelsea fans would appreciate good football…oh right, how stupid of me…

All the best to John Terry by the way. I don’t particularly like him but he’s a class player, a fantastic defender, and a great leader. If other Chelsea players showed his courage and honesty, I might have more respect for them. Maybe.

I was wrong in my original prediction a few weeks back: I said Arsenal would with the Cup but I was wrong. But I based my prediction on how well I knew they’d play and give Chelsea a real game. It was a moral victory for Arsenal, and dare I say, myself. But the truth is I got it wrong. I still think Chavski will win the FA Cup, but I can’t call the Champions League just yet. As for the Premiership, well that’s definitely going to….. oh dinner’s ready…

My pity for Neil Warnock – Sat 24th Feb 07

Shhhh!!! Neil Warnock? Shhhh!! You don’t know what you’re talking about.

Liverpool 4 – 0 Sheffield Utd was an expected win, and probably an expected result, but it’s always important and good to get goals.

Steven Gerrard was fouled for two penalties, and guess what? They were both fouls and definite penalties! Only a stupid bitter obnoxious bastard would dare to say otherwise. (See what I did there?!) Maybe all the dirty foreigners have rubbed off on Stevie, eh Neil?? Two stupid challenges from bad defending…what did you expect?

After beating Barcelona in the week, it was important not to slip up, but a few years ago that’s exactly what Liverpool would have done. A long way to go though. We won without breaking sweat really. If we could add wins when we play crap, who knows, we would be much closer to the title.

Which leads nicely to Man Utd’s 2-1 win over Fulham. Fortunately, I’m not going to talk about it! Except to say that this was Utd of a few years ago when they were actually a good team; going to the end, being positive, scoring late goals, and winning a game they didn’t deserve to. It’s the sort of thing that Champions do. If only they could stop obsessing about scousers for 5 minutes…

Barca 0 – 1 Liverpool – Wed 21st Feb 07

Barcelona 1 – 2 Liverpool

The only thing better than this result is shoving words down people’s throats, or better yet, seeing a team of cheating diving showponies beaten in their own backyard, despite every big and small decision going their way.

Liverpool fans have been saying “bring it on” ever since the draw was made, because we were confident, because I suppose there was no pressure on us. Barcelona aren’t giants and they’re not invincible. Judging by the build-up to this game, you’d think it was Barcelona vs Acrington Stanley.

It’s a fantastic result. But I can’t decide which is more incredible, us beating Barcelona in their stadium (as we did in ‘76; the only British side to ever beat them there), or seeing John Arne Riise score with his right foot! Well, I suppose even a blind squirrel finds a few nuts.

Couple of things that made me laugh at the game: seeing Eto’o and some other no-mark freak on the Barca bench virtually ejaculating when Ronaldinho did a bit of skill and turned his man. Woweee, Kuyt committed himself and got skinned; it happens every game. It’s incredibly easy to beat a man if he’s committed himself. But when Ronaldinho does it, he gets World Player of the Year. Thierry Henry was unavailable for comment as he hit 30 goals for yet another season, 20 assists for yet another season, and picked up a Champions League finalist medal to go with his 3 FA Cups and 3 English League titles. Sorry, how naive of me, Thierry Henry doesn’t do 20 keepy-ups in his own area but works for the team.

Another thing: Carlos Puyol. Wow. That guy has a face like a welder’s bench. When Spanish TV flashed to a close-up of his face, I thought they’d cut away to a documentary on the mating habits of African hippos…from behind…after eating a laxative-laced plant.

Also: seeing their players moaning every single time a Liverpool player went down. Hmmm, the words irony and poetic justice spring to mind. Funny how you didn’t have time to surround the referee after EVERY foul once you were chasing the game huh boys?

Finally: Jose Mourinho in his post-match interview. “We lost John Terry, we lost everything.” This from a team that has spent £200m on players in the past 3 years. Some might consider moaning about the loss of a player upsetting the entire game and performance for the remaining 70 MINUTES OF THE MATCH when the substitute who replaced him created a goal just 4 minutes after conceding, as a huge faux pas…but hey! I’m not going to stop Jose from creating an ass of himself…and he does it so well…

Barca 1 – 2 Liverpool. The tie isn’t over, but what can they do to us that we haven’t already done to them? Except no one gave Liverpool a prayer. Come and beat us at Anfield and if you do, you deserve it.

My interpretation – Tue 20th Feb 07

Today was a better day. Going to sleep and waking up never really changes anything, except your mood. Our points of view and perspective shape how we interpret the world, and those interpretations and the way we react, shape our views and perspectives! I’d say “vicious circle”, but everytime I use a cliche part of my brain dries up and falls out my ear.

People like the naive dire skeptics, or first-year philosophy students (or those who’ve read a few books), presuppositionalists, and especially true-believers like to call all matters of belief a matter of faith, such as the existence of the external world. Whilst there is an external world, one that is independant of our thoughts and feelings, (inasmuch as anything might be), we can NEVER ever see the real world. EVER. The world we see is an interpretation of the real world. Grass isn’t really green and beer might not “smell” like beer to another lifeform…insects can’t even see red, but we can’t see ultra-violet. We can’t see with our ears like bats can. But bats can’t see with their eyes. Which one of us has it right? Both. We interpret light of different wavelengths as different colours. That is just a label our brain has attached. Aliens might be able to smell colours! Or see with soundwaves, like a bat probably does.

This is good to bear in mind when things are going badly, or things are going well. Never ever get too down about anything. Never ever get deleriously happy about anything. Emotions are fleeting and moods transient. Take a good mood when it catches you, but don’t make important decisions by them. Don’t make important judgement calls on your emotions.

Our emotions all too easily are the clouds that filter and cloud our perceptions, along with our preconceived beliefs. Things look dark, but are you gloomy and down? Someone with their eyes wide-open doesn’t see it that way. Is the rain a horrible nuisance, or is it beautiful and romantic? Could you be wrong? Could you have over-reacted, or taken something the wrong way? Could somebody have meant a compliment, but you took it as an insult? Perhaps it was the other way around. What we feel about a situation, a person, a word, might not be right. Our minds and bodies are not faithful robotic video-recorders of the “real world”, taking in everything with perfect clarity and objectivity. They are interpreters that are filtered through a complex organ that has taken many millions of years to be as good as it is now. And our emotions and feelings are simply based on those perceptions.

I won’t use rhetorical nonsense like “interpretation is everything”, because it’s not. There are facts. There are things we know and there are things we don’t. But when it comes to interacting with other people, it’s worth remembering that it’s like our physical senses…all interpretation. The only thing that matters is that if you get to know someone well enough, or are just plain lucky or clever, what you interpret that he/she meant is ACTUALLY what he/she meant! And the other way around. Such is the basis of any relationship.

People are still twats though.

My money where my mouth is – Fri 16th Feb 07

Telepathy is bullshit. Telepathy is bullshit.

I’m not really a close-minded cynical skeptic. But I am a skeptic. Translation: I don’t believe bollocks without evidence. Unfortunately, we live in a world where most people do believe in rubbish and think you should to, and the ones who don’t are too polite/afraid/politically correct to say anything in case they offend anyone else or turn out to be wrong (although the odds are good that they never would be). This is a common problem with this world: people are afraid of being wrong, or looking silly, or standing up for what they believe in because they THINK it’s best to say nothing.

I used to believe in God. I don’t anymore. I was wrong. Simple as. I’m an atheist now. I might be wrong! I admit it! There might be a “god”. I am not afraid of admitting that, nor afraid of any consequences, because I am intellectually honest with myself, and other people. I believe what I believe because I believe the facts support it. I try never to twist facts. I try never to believe what I WANT to believe.

Most “believers” in far-fetched rubbish (I’m going to piss people off I know but a dose of reality is a good thing; see my comments above about too many “yes-men” in the world) won’t accept the fact that they might be wrong. They have a belief, and look at every possible way to PROVE it true, ignoring the contradictions. Real tests (i.e. science), look for ways to DISPROVE something. Scientists revel in smashing apart other theories; this is the beauty of science! “I can read people’s minds!” you say. Ok, well instead of looking at the ways this might be true, (and anyone who’s seen Derren Brown live or on TV cannot fail to be impressed), let’s look at ways we can disprove it! Yours truly can perform a few humble feats of illusionism or mentalism and impress the average person, and 800 years ago they would probably get me burned at the stake! Coincidences happen. Some people are good guessers. Correlations occur. All these potential hits count as pluses in the evidence column to people who want to believe. Unfortunately, they’re meaningless without taking into account the minuses.

Ok, so people might guess Zener cards of other people with a slightly higher probability that you’d expect by chance. Let’s say 30% instead of 25%. Don’t you think that IF people could REALLY read minds, the odds would be just a bit higher than that. Show me someone who can get 90% or above everytime in controlled conditions! Unfair? I don’t think so! This is TELEPATHY or PSYCHIC POWERS we’re talking about here. IF they really existed, wouldn’t you EXPECT people to score extremely highly??

So here’s me putting my money where my mouth is, because I’m not afraid to be wrong:

TELEPATHY WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE PROVEN TO EXIST, BECAUSE IT DOESN’T.

The human brain simply doesn’t work that way. Despite what New Age bullshitters want to prattle on about, neuroscientists do understand the brain pretty fucking well “Well, how we KNOW it works?!” Go read a book. Look on the internet at what scientists have to say. Do your homework. “Isn’t 90% of the brain untapped potential anyway?” No. No no no. This myth about the human brain is a hundred years old. We use ALL our brain. “Right side, left side”. Give me a break. The right-sided creative abstract genius vs the left-sided dispassionate logical reasoning dichotomy is tripe.

PSYCHICS ARE EITHER FAKES OR DELUDED. THERE ARE NO GENUINE PSYCHICS.

When was the last time a psychic won the lottery, or predicted anything important that they REALLY couldn’t have known? Why do ‘psychics’ get knocked over by buses? The fall in love, get married, die, and some of them cheat gullible people out of a lot of money. They’re just like you and me, except some of them are despicable parasites. They have no special powers, except for a knack at cold-reading and deceiving people (sometimes unconsciously). No casino in the world bars psychics…why is this??

I challenge anyone in the world to tell me what number I think of between 1 and 1000. Unfair? No! Remember what is being claimed! Can you read my mind or not? Shut up or put up. But to compromise (a lot!), I’ll make it any number between 1 and 20. Get it right three times in a row and I will believe. (Probably – because then a working scientific theory would still have to explain it, account for it, and predict success in the future).

So this is me being an arrogant bastard. Putting my money where my mouth is. I might be wrong. I welcome it. I’ll be the first one to admit when the evidence proves me wrong. Because I’m not afraid to admit it. Here are a few more claims I’ll get out the way:

THERE IS NO GOD. AT LEAST, THERE IS NO REAL GOD OF ANY HUMAN RELIGION. Might there be a superintelligent powerful extra-terrestrial being out there? I can’t answer that. And don’t let anyone else kid you either…neither can they! Anything else is just wishful-thinking; kidding your own mind in believing something you really shouldn’t; the sort of thing you did when you were a kid; the thing that people call Faith.

CHI IS A MAGICAL METAPHYSICAL CONCEPT OF ANCIENT EASTERNERS. IT HAS NO PLACE IN SERIOUS CONVERSATION, ANY MORE THAN SANTA CLAUS, TOOTH-FAIRIES, TELEPATHY, PSYCHIC POWERS, TELEKENISIS, TURNING WATER INTO WINE, DIVINATION, TRANSUBSTANTIATION, OR ANYTHING I CHOOSE TO INVENT TO TELL A BEDTIME STORY.

Wanna believe in magic? Go for it. Want me to believe chi can move objects, or that needles in the body can unblock channels of it, or that keeping your yin and yang balanced can cure illnesses?? Don’t count on it unless you can prove it. Otherwise, it’s just a pretty fairly tale.

Here are two more things I’m sure of:

IF EVERY COUNTRY SCRAPPED JUST ONE NUCLEAR SUBMARINE, WE COULD FEED AND CLOTHE ALL THE STARVING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

UNTIL PEOPLE STOP FIGHTING OVER PETTY STUPID DIFFERENCES AND LOOK BEYOND HISTORY, BELIEF, AND DIFFERENCES IN CULTURE AND SKIN, THE ABOVE WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

My job offer to creationists!

Living in the dark ages? Still under a cloud of misinterpretation, strawmen, lies, deceit, ignorance, wishful-thinking, self-delusion and magic?

There is a job out there for you! Become a creationist. Despite the popular opinion that creationism is too stupid to just CHOOSE to believe, and that 99% of people who do believe in a Big Friendly Skydad do so simply because they were brought up to believe it by their parents and have been lied to about scientific fact all their lives, it is possible to CHOOSE to be a creationist! Yes! All it requires is the deactivation of that floating encephalon in your skull.

But, before you start your career of taking a shit on every good thing to come out the Renaissance period, the enlightening of mankind, and the general leaning away from ignorance and magical thinking to the reasoning and study of the world around us (you know, the whole thing that’s kinda put mankind where it is now)…here are some things we need to address first, otherwise if your brain ever kick-starts back into life you might find yourself questioning creationism, and we can’t have that:

1. AIDS. Despite what the evil evolutionists would have us believe, it is IMPOSSIBLE for anything to mutate into another form of life! Dogs don’t give birth to horses do they?! Pah! Now, this may seem to pose a problem to the ill-informed creationist when it comes to things like deadly plagues and bacteria, or killer viruses. After all, if evolution is impossible, where did these things come from? Ah-ha! There are several answers: 1. God made it that way. This is a rather mysterious one, but since when did that stop us “believers”. The non-believers (read: sodomising godless child-butchers) out there might whine “doesn’t that just create more problems than it solves?? Why would ANY God deliberately create deadly plagues and viruses??” The answer?: “No”. See how easy?!

Option 2: This is only micro-evolution, not actual evolution! This is a good one, because it almost sounds like you know what you’re talking about, even though you’ve never read a scientific book in your life. The baby-killing bastards (read: atheist evolutionists) will curl off some speel like “there is no difference between micro and macro evolution; it’s just one step compared to a series of steps…and/or the principles between all evolution are the same…it works for either so you can’t have one without the other, and it’s proven to exist in the lab and in real life, and the it’s supported by the certainty of a common DNA ancestor, the nested hierachy of all living things, junk DNA, traceable genetics, vestigial organs, and the fossil record…”

The answer? Simple: Do you REALLY want to believe that you come from a monkey*?? I know I don’t! No thank you evolution! We are God’s noble beautiful chosen creatures. Which is why he wants to kill us all unless we worship him in a very specific way that, curiously enough, EVERY other religion on the planet is wrong about! Thank, well, God! that WE have discovered the REAL truth!

*(Evolutionists might try and point out that humans didn’t evolve from apes; that humans and all apes currently living have a common ancestor. Just like horses didn’t come from zebras but they have a common ancestor that isn’t alive anymore… tomato tomarto…)

2. CANCER. FLESH-EATING PARASITES. MOSQUITOS.

Since we know that these things couldn’t have developed themselves over millions of years, from a very simple version that did something similar to another not-to-simple version that did something similar but slightly better, to another very similar not-quite-as-simple-as-the-last version that managed to do even better at surviving and reproducing, and so on for such a long time that eventually it doesn’t quite look anything like what it originally came from, even though from small successive modifications along the way it would actually seem quite likely…there is only one explanation: God made them. Yup. Syphillis, cancer, leukemia, Downes Syndrome, cerebral palsy, babies born blind, necrotising fasciitis, haemorroids, and Manchester United…God intended them all! Well, did he not know about them? Hey, he’s the Almighty remember! How can he be all-knowing and not know the outcome of EVERY thing that will EVER happen? So, since he created these things directly (since they can’t evolve after all) or allowed them to happen, the obvious question we need to expunge from our systems faster than a curry and beer on a Sunday morning is “WHY”?

Well, God moves in mysterious ways. Even if didn’t want them to be around (which he probably did, since if he didn’t want them to be around he would have done something about them duh!), maybe he allows them to be here for some mysterious over-riding good reason that we just have to accept. Or, maybe Satan created them? Perhaps it’s mankind’s own-fault for: messing around with [whatever] / playing god / wrecking the earth / experimenting with genetics / turning their backs on god / having better things to do then kneel to an invisible being and serve him hand and foot like a slave / listen to the ignorant rambles of old unintelligent men who tell you what to do with your life / invent your own reason…?

Whoever’s fault it is, do you REALLY think it’s God’s? Really?? He loves you, don’t you know? Why would someone do bad things if they loved you?! See? Feel better already don’t you…

You are now ready to be a fully-fledged creationist! Just ignore all those little doubts (and facts) and whatever you do, if ANYone ANYtime, EVER offers to explain the REAL facts of evolution to you, and clear up your “ignorance”, your response will forever be: “No thank you! I already know all I need to know, and I don’t want to hear anything more from evolution! I’m no monkey!”

England 0 – 1 Spain – Wed 7th Feb 07

England 0 – 1 Spain

England are rubbish. They say a team’s style of play and spirit is sometimes a reflection of the manager’s personality. Think of the current England manager and the previous one, then see if these words mean anything:

Boring. Drab. Unimaginative. Uncreative. Robotic. Clueless. Second best. Not really good enough at the highest level.

Technically, England are still miles behind other sides in the world. Even sides they’re supposed to be better than. Is it genetics?? Or is it just the way kids are coached in this country? I think the latter. Look at Wenger’s policy at Arsenal; his criteria is simple: pace, power, skill. You MUST be technically good. You must be a good footballer, and you can always teach the rest and improve. Why is it that hardly any England players get into Arsenal’s squad? I’ll give you a clue: It’s not Wenger’s fault!

My incredible frustration – Sat 3rd Feb 07

Liverpool 0 – 0 Everton

Typical derby game. LFC were the better team, and Bellamy had an easy chance to score. But, so did Johnson, so I can’t really say it was an unfair result, despite the possession and attempts.

Rafa Benitez summed it up when he said that whenever the small teams come to Anfield, they always defend very deep and make it hard. The fact that it was a derby only made it more so! “One team wanted to win, and one team didn’t want to lose.” (He’s right, but I won’t criticise Everton for it, because we’ve done it a lot in the past, and will Liverpool play the same against Barcelona in a few weeks??)

The Everton fans were actually in good voice today; shame that 90% of their singing was about Steven Gerrard. Is that the best you can do? Seriously? Zzzzzz.

I guess Everton are very happy with the result, but if I ever cheer a draw with them take me outside and shoot me.

My latualatuka

Check this out, posted as a comment on a youtube vid:

“please don’t read this!

In 1945,a young girl named katu lata kulu came over to America in a grey boat from Africa.

A mysterious man killed her by cutting the word “LATUALATUKA” into her back. now that you have read this measge she will come to your house on a full moon and steal your soul unless you follow these directions:”

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I’d love to know what goes through the mind of someone who forwards this shit! What? What are you possibly thinking?

I know everything else I’ve posted so far is nothing but hugs and kisses, chocolates and puppies, fingers and KY, but I do get pissed off every now and then! (believe it or not).

Nothing pisses me off more than chain letters, superstitions, and shitty curse mails or messages.

People say we could make the world a better place by being more open-minded, less judgemental, looking to better mankind than just ourselves….bleeding heart cry-babies!! I say, make the world a better place by chopping off the hands of anyone who writes/forwards/believes chain letter shit and anything else of the sort.

(Disclaimer: parts of this e-mail are exaggerated and do not necessarily represent the views of the author, although they probably do).